After almost a year of studying up on hipster population in West Virginia, I’ve come across quite a few new stories, and ironic scarves. However, upon my arrival back at college, I found that the demographic there was not quite fitting according to the norms here. So basically my year abroad was worth little in the long run. Well, when in Rome…
Anyways, that leaves me with quite a bit of material to report on, I suppose. Which is exciting.
Dear readers,
I must embark now on a quest to West Virginia, as my research demands it. I will be there for two days studying the indie population there. As always, I will report on my findings after my small break from this, as there is no internet in all of West Virginia. Farewell! And until Wednesday night, keep it real.
Love,
-Upholder of Doctorates.
Pandora, where music and mythology mix. Don't open this.
One rioter in particular, who was carrying a sign and a devastated look on his face, was interviewed. He stated during the 15 minute interview that not only had Pandora ruined his life, but also his “street cred.” Lars “Lynx” Johnson was his name, and he had formerly worked for Plan 9 his entire life until his store had been shut down due to lack of business.
“People just used to walk in and ask us what’s the newest “scene” music out there. That just doesn’t happen anymore. Goddamn internet has taken all of our business, destroyed our reputation as knowing the best music, and downright insulted our record-selling capabilities. This new ‘Pandora’ shit thinks it knows the best music? Damn wrong.”
When asked about the ‘street cred’ portion of his last statement, he responded, “You know what it’s done to ‘indie’ music? Absolutely destroyed it.”
Many other were asked about this ‘street cred,’ and they all gave the same answer, “It’s all about knowing about music that other people have never heard of. And once the general populace has been introduced to this music, that music and the people that listen to it officially lose all of their ‘street cred.’ For example, if I were caught today listening to The Strokes, I would be put on a cross. They’d take away all of my rights as an ‘indie’. No one wants that.”
The people at the riot were making demands that seemed a little bit off. After multiple bomb threats, the president of Pandora did agree to meet with the leader of the riot, whose name will not be disclosed. However, it has been released that the leader demanded a “mainstream” meter. This meter, which would have two sides, “mainstream” and “indie,” would be there to preserve the indie culture’s natural habitat. Those who weren’t part of the culture would have to use the mainstream side, whilst those who had enough street cred among the indie people were allowed to use the indie side. This, in effect, would be able to recreate the rift between the everyday joe, and the hidden music culture that indie people had worked so hard to create.
When asked if this was an act of discrimination, most answered, “Of course” while others answered, “We’re not trying to spread this at all, no.”
The president of Pandora, after having listened to the pleas of the hipsters, retired to his quiet office, and is now thinking over the demands of the rioters, whilst scrolling through his custom made “A Flock of Seagulls” channel on Pandora. His actions will certainly either lead to the rebirth or total destruction of the ‘indie’ culture.
At this point, I can sense that all 16 of my readers were thoroughly distressed by the truths I revealed in my last post. Therefore, I have decided to attempt to understand their culture. Luckily, after having been possessed by demons and forced to buy “indie” music, I had a collection of items to choose from. The two artist I was able to sample were… “Animal Collectors” and “Vampire Monthly”… or something like that. Needless to say, I spent countless hours a few minutes listening to these tracks and deciding their worth. I have come to the following conclusions:
“Animal Collectors” was the first band that I was able to listen to. At first, just like I’m sure all first time listeners are, I was confused by the bands name. I was under the impression that they were a small group of middle school girls intoxicated by their habit of collecting beany babies. However, once I did anxiously finally open up the wrapping that covered the album, and then opened up the other package inside of that one, and then found that the disc was in a secret compartment with a strange scrawl written on the case (I think the album was. . .
I found that this was not the case. Instead, I heard a man with a strangely edited voice singing over something that sounds like it could be in Final Fantasy game with interesting drum rhythms in the background. One song I found particularly interesting (luckily iTunes was able to decode the strange language on the album) was “My Girls” (although now my theory of middle school girls had been rejected, this brought back some hope to it.) In this song, the vocalist is yearning for a “proper house” and is stating that all he needs is “four walls and adobe slats for [his] girls.” I had finally figured it out. The slats were signifying prison bars! This band had actually collected the Animal Collectors. Don’t worry, 16 readers, I sent out a strongly worded email to the record company explaining this plot, and have suggested a course of action for their retrieval! Now onto something of much greater importance….
“Vampire Monthly.” Naturally, I immediately caught onto what this band was all about. They were obviously a group of fan girls who met on occasion to perform music dedicated to the cast of Twilight with strange instruments. I was expecting a complimentary calender inside of this cd case once I opened it, but sadly, it was much less interesting to open than the last one. It was even self-titled. In this day and age, you would definitely expect people to have more calendars and better names creativity. Once I popped it in, though, I found an uptempo band singing about someone’s…. face? Yes, it is in fact true. Once I listened to the track “One” (Also known as “Blake’s Got a New Face”) I understood it all. It is actually a group of vampires dedicating music to the fangirls of Twilight! The “Blake” that these vampires are referring to, is a fictitious vampire hunter, Anita Blake“Indie” albums, who has an entire series of books. The “new face” part is referring to the fact that it is no longer she that is chasing down vampires, it’s now the fangirls of Twilight! And these vampires are happy about it! Notice the tempo of the song: very fast paced. Also, note the note of joy in the vampiric singer’s voice! He is thrilled that the world no longer has need for vampire hunters! Just vampire fan girls! Yay!
I am quite happy that I have enlightened all of you on these two bands, and I’m happy to say that now I can finally relate to the rest of the “indie” population. By listening to these two whole albums whole-heartedly half-heartedly, my metamorphosis into becoming cultured in all things “indie” is complete.
The shoes are the key to their powers.
Before I set off to college, I was unawares of this “hidden music culture” that exists in our world today. As it happened, while I was getting all eight of my tires on my octopod rotated and balanced, I stumbled up ye olde FYE. As soon as I walked in, I happened to identify the man 17-year-old working behind the counter as one of these self-proclaimed “indie kids.” I was immediately dragged to this conclusion by the purple and green plaid button down, lucky brand jeans, and interestingly colored shoes.
In a bold (and almost irrational) attempt to communicate this person, I immediately blurted out “Neutral Milk Hotel,” which one of my friends had told me to use to communicate with “indie” people. Immediately, the sales clerk jumped and as his eyes grew wider, he started speaking in a foreign tongue that I had never heard, which slightly sounded like the cry of a fox.
Startled and in shock, I immediately jumped back, as it was obvious this “indie” person wished to discuss music. However, I managed to play it off like I was browsing through old albums of Bruce Hornsby. I walked to leave out of the door, and his stare soon struck me and I was pierced by his leering eyes. Some ungodly demon then took control of my body, and made me buy a album by Vampire Weekend, and also another by Animal Collective.
Having checked out unwillingly, I felt the curse soon wear off as I left FYE, and I made a mad dash for my octopod, which apparently was still being serviced. The two demon albums in my hand, I stood and looked around for some kind of help, something to soothe my nerves. Good thing I had Nickelback’s “Rockstar” saved to my phone.
Nifty! Melancholy Mollusk now has its own YouTube channel. This is an attempt to counter-strike against the recent launching crawling out of a rift in the earth of commercials such as this one.. We managed to turn this attempt at mass communications. I know all of your… tentacles are quivering in excitement. Here you go, sirs.
I’d like to finally release that this new, glorious blog (named MelancholyMollusk) has just been released. The purpose of this blog is solely to undermine and destroy that of my rival, http://www.aestheticoctopus.com. What a horrid site! Believe me when I say, that dreadful URL will never again appear on this site! Rest assured!
