Melancholy Mollusk

We just figured out Blue’s Clues. (via BuzzFeed)

melancholymollusk — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 18:13:05 +0000

Found this lovely video of Blue’s Clues redirected. Hipsters love nostalgia, so kick back and reminisce.

<3,
Upholder of Doctorates

Most Anticipated Albums of 2k11 (via stereogum)

melancholymollusk — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 02:41:36 +0000

Excited for The Cars, and Panda Bro releasing new albums. Not so excited for U2.

http://stereogum.com/582501/50-most-anticipated-albums-of-2011/franchises/listomania/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+stereogum/cBYa+(stereogum)

<3.
-Upholder of Doctorates

Hipster-Native American conspiracy.

melancholymollusk — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 02:28:57 +0000

One thing that we’ve never understood here at Melancholy Mollusk is the constant indian theme in hipster dressware. Are indian garments chillwave? Maybe it’s the indian lifestyle that’s giving good vibes? Maybe hipsters are ironically wearing it because indians are lamestream? Let’s give a few examples of indian hipster bros/broettes before I explain.

Well, there are multiple reasons, but let’s dive into the word “Indian” itself first.

When America was first founded, the Puritan settlers from Britain stumbled upon a people that they had never encountered before in their lives. Their clothes, lifestyle, and music were all different from the society they had recently severed themselves from. The settlers called them the “Indies’,” because they settlers actually believed that they had landed on the West Indies until they later discovered which continent they were actually on. The term “Indies” stuck around for centuries until it was later elongated to Indians to be politically and grammatically correct.

After multiple attempts to assimilate their societies, the settlers found that the Indies valued their way of life, dress, and music more than anything on the planet. Neither gold nor valuable new worldly knowledge would persuade them to give up their life of living off of the land. Instead, they chose to keep their culture sacred, and shun anyone who dared to give off harsh vibes, or to try to convert them to what the settlers considered to be mainstream society.

Years went on, and the mainstream society grew and grew, until one day the Indies were overpowered, and forced off of their sacred lands. Although they resisted, there was little hope for the Indies; they had little leverage on the American government and the American way of life. So, defeated, the Indies’ culture subsided; their way of living destroyed. Until the hipster movement, that is.

“Indie” music, believe it or not, is actually an attempt to bring about the chillwave nature of early native american society. Chillwave (or YILH-KOLH in Navajo) actually describes their way of life. They had clothes that resembled this YILH-KOLH, music that was YILH-KOLH, and even a YILH-KOLH society. They made sure that the rest of the world understood that they were different, and demanded respect for that. This new “indie” music captures the principles of YILH-KOLH, and thus represents a yearning for the return to an earlier society. This has been hinted at by the band Neon Indian, who is definitely a key supporter of the YILH-KOLH movement.

Take for example his hit song, Deadbeat Summer.

“hear the endless hiss
as it rolls into the starlit abyss
all my dreams reminisce
never thought this time it’d be like this”

This is definitely Alan Palomo commiserating with the fallen culture of the indians, as he never thought that the exploitation of their society could have gone this far. He also sends a warning to his listeners that history could repeat itself, so keep the indie culture alive to rep the lost society before them.

Hipsters are those most closely associated with indie culture. They show it too. They have their own unique culture which they wish to preserve from the mainstream. They wear different clothes, listen to different music. In a way, they give off the same chill vibes as the indians before them.

In an attempt to personify and bring back the Native Americans, hipsters have started to wear Indian attire in support of their lost culture; both to rep their previous way of YILH-KOLH, and to show that the hipster culture is much like that of the Indian culture.

Oh. And the Indians sooo knew about America way before you did. Coincidence? I think not.

Love,
Upholder of Doctorates.

P.S. Keep it YILH-KOLH

Why hipsters love Kanye

melancholymollusk — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 01:13:16 +0000

As the rest of the world knows, Kanye recently released his newest album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. As the world also knows, this fantasy involves a world without T-~~Pain~~Swift. Sorry, had to throw that one in there. Obviously he fantasizes about a world of T-Pain, considering his use of the voice synth that Mr.Pain had swallowed at childbirth.

More to the point, I recently discovered this strange website, , which seems to claim that hipsters don’t in fact love Kanye. Instead, this Carles character even goes to say that his newest album doesn’t deserve a 10.0 and that the hip kids at have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m here to disprove this theory with the same logic that I have been using.

1.) Kanye totes dresses alt.

To those of you in shock and awe after that picture. YES. He is wearing a keffiyeh. To the all the lamestreamers, it may just seem to be a quirky means of dress. But hipsters know. They can smell the alt. Kanye has been known for dressing quite nicely, but quite unlike everyone else, totes preserves-ing his individuality. You’ll always be your own man, Kanye, no matter what the haters say.

2.) Kanye samples old music.

I’m pretty sure hipsters love old music, because most non-alt kids have ever heard of this old music. So in this way, hipsters have an edge on mainstream music because it is heavily rooted in music that the general populace doesn’t frequent. Neato. Just one more way for the alts to prove that they are musically and culturally superior.

3.) Kanye’s hate of haters.

There’s nothing hipster hate more than haters. The whole point of dressing the way they do and putting as much effort as they do into their attire is to create “good vibes.” However, how can they do that with a atmosphere of “bad vibes?” I’m not quite sure if it’s even possible. So when the unchill bros come and hate on your new nike sb’s that you bought on ebay for $100, and then ask if you can feel the circulation in your feet anyway from those jeans, you know that your vibe is being harmed. And that doesn’t make hipsters happy whatsoever. They wanna get mad rspct from other chill bros. So does Kanye.

4.) P4k supports Kanye.

The whole indie music culture reads this web blog and about music and such. Basically, this website can help you determine whether your love for Nickelback should be voiced in public or

not

. So when p4k tells the whole culture that Kanye’s new album deserves a stellar 10.0 (Wilco was the only other band deserving of this lofty achievement) you know that it is encouraged for you to mention this new band/album that you ~~found on the internet~~ discovered.

5.) Kanye loves Melancholy Mollusk.

Kanye gives Melancholy Mollusk a thumbs up! So do hipsters! They have a shared love. Therefore, alt kids love Kanye.

If this hasn’t proved why hipsters love Kanye, hopefully this will.

Love,
-Upholder of Doctorates

Follow @MelankolyMolusk on Twitter

melancholymollusk — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 03:31:14 +0000

Ludacris supports @MelankolyMolusk on Twitter. If u wanna b more rlvnt than the rest of your bro friends, you would too.

Witch House

melancholymollusk — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 06:49:03 +0000

We all know that hipsters derive their magical powers from their shoes, but now that they’ve started to worship triangles, the tables have turned (whatever that means).

If if you need to catch up on your knowledge of Witch House, try here.

Why Hipsters Love Kid CuDi

melancholymollusk — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 06:11:09 +0000

So I’m pretty sure it goes without saying that hipsters love Kid CuDi. Why the obsession though? What is so appealing about this artist? Here are some reasons:

1.) Kid CuDi’s “genre”

Whenever hipsters notice anything with the word “Alternative” in it, they flock to it like a swarm of bees. So when Cudder’s music was classified as “Alternative Rap/Hip Hop,” many felt obliged to cling to the music. Even if his music was awful (which is most certainly is not), he would still have a strong following, just because he is perceived as “different” than most rappers. Which is true. Hipsters love Kid CuDi because they want to be just as different to the rest of society as he is to other rappers. However, most hipsters are pissed because after multiple attempts at petitioning and rioting, Panda Bear will still not agree to co-produce a mixtape with him. The whole indie world is still depressed over that one.

2.) The Cudder’s musical tastes

Hipsters love that Kid CuDi is aware and enjoys buzzbands. Plain Pat, who helped CuDi produce his hit mixtape, helped mix him with the indie rock scene. Two of my personal favorites include “Cudderisback” and “The Prayer.” The former was a mix of CuDi rapping over Vampire Weekend’s “Ottoman,” which was certainly amazing. The latter was a mix with Band of Horses’ “The Funeral” (Which was cleverly shortened to fit proper rapping meter). Converse (Yes, the original alt kid shoe) decided to host a co-lab of Kid Cudi, Vampire Weekend’s Rostam, and Best Coast’s Bethany to make a song this summer. It was quite hyped up. I downloaded the track as early as possible. However, when this was released, I never wanted to here the song again- Never heard anyone so off key. After that bombshell though, Kid CuDi’s new album featured some good artists. Oh, and let’s not forget Ratatat from Cudder’s first album. The hipsters were yet again appeased.

3.) Kid CuDi’s attire

Hipster love to dress in a certain fashion. Kid CuDi also likes to dress in said fashion. He’s got the glasses. He’s got the skinny jeans. He’s got the shoes. He rocks more Bape gear than any hipster could afford, however. ‘Nuff said, really. Oh, and I heard thru the grapevine he loves to shop here.

4.) Kid CuDi’s themes

We all loved Cudders first album, in which he tried to take us into his dreams, and show us his fears. Mr. Solo Dolo has become a cultural identity that some hipsters can relate to; the depressed, sad, alone stoner. Usually that’s not what people look for in music, but it certainly does appeal to the hipster demographic. Kid CuDi’s most recent album, The Legend of Mr. Rager, which hasn’t even been out yet for a week, perpetuates and even further exaggerates this lonely stoner interpretation of himself. Cudder certainly does smoke quite a bit, and speaks about his former cocaine addiction in this album. Most hipsters can identify with these themes and can share in his pain.

5.) Because Melancholy Mollusk supports Kid CuDi

Melancholy Mollusk loves Kid CuDi -> Hipsters love Melancholy Mollusk.
THEREFORE Hipsters love Kid CuDi. ~~Pretty awful~~ flawless logic: employed

Support KiD CuDi by buying his new album. If you’re a real hipster, you’ll do it.

-Upholder of Doctorates
.

A Glorious Return

melancholymollusk — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 22:01:11 +0000

After almost a year of studying up on hipster population in West Virginia, I’ve come across quite a few new stories, and ironic scarves. However, upon my arrival back at college, I found that the demographic there was not quite fitting according to the norms here. So basically my year abroad was worth little in the long run. Well, when in Rome…

Anyways, that leaves me with quite a bit of material to report on, I suppose. Which is exciting.

A Simple Goodbye

melancholymollusk — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 00:12:37 +0000

Dear readers,

I must embark now on a quest to West Virginia, as my research demands it. I will be there for two days studying the indie population there. As always, I will report on my findings after my small break from this, as there is no internet in all of West Virginia. Farewell! And until Wednesday night, keep it real.

Love,
-Upholder of Doctorates.

A Riot on Pandora’s Front Steps!

melancholymollusk — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 17:35:05 +0000

Pandora, where music and mythology mix. Don't open this.

Just yesterday, at around 5p.m. in Oakland, California, there was an assembly and riot at Pandora’s headquarters! The people participating were described as “an enraged group of hipsters,” all carrying signs that were scrawled in blood. Luckily, the Pandora employees were able to escape the building via helicopter after climbing onto the roof. Needless to say, this was an unexpected attack by the populace, as Pandora seemed to be a well-liked and accomplished business.

One rioter in particular, who was carrying a sign and a devastated look on his face, was interviewed. He stated during the 15 minute interview that not only had Pandora ruined his life, but also his “street cred.” Lars “Lynx” Johnson was his name, and he had formerly worked for Plan 9 his entire life until his store had been shut down due to lack of business.

“People just used to walk in and ask us what’s the newest “scene” music out there. That just doesn’t happen anymore. Goddamn internet has taken all of our business, destroyed our reputation as knowing the best music, and downright insulted our record-selling capabilities. This new ‘Pandora’ shit thinks it knows the best music? Damn wrong.”

When asked about the ‘street cred’ portion of his last statement, he responded, “You know what it’s done to ‘indie’ music? Absolutely destroyed it.”

Many other were asked about this ‘street cred,’ and they all gave the same answer, “It’s all about knowing about music that other people have never heard of. And once the general populace has been introduced to this music, that music and the people that listen to it officially lose all of their ‘street cred.’ For example, if I were caught today listening to The Strokes, I would be put on a cross. They’d take away all of my rights as an ‘indie’. No one wants that.”

The people at the riot were making demands that seemed a little bit off. After multiple bomb threats, the president of Pandora did agree to meet with the leader of the riot, whose name will not be disclosed. However, it has been released that the leader demanded a “mainstream” meter. This meter, which would have two sides, “mainstream” and “indie,” would be there to preserve the indie culture’s natural habitat. Those who weren’t part of the culture would have to use the mainstream side, whilst those who had enough street cred among the indie people were allowed to use the indie side. This, in effect, would be able to recreate the rift between the everyday joe, and the hidden music culture that indie people had worked so hard to create.

When asked if this was an act of discrimination, most answered, “Of course” while others answered, “We’re not trying to spread this at all, no.”

The president of Pandora, after having listened to the pleas of the hipsters, retired to his quiet office, and is now thinking over the demands of the rioters, whilst scrolling through his custom made “A Flock of Seagulls” channel on Pandora. His actions will certainly either lead to the rebirth or total destruction of the ‘indie’ culture.